


Bamboozle-Man's Odyssey

by marvelheze



Series: Saga of Darkness [1]
Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:55:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28191276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marvelheze/pseuds/marvelheze
Summary: After desecrating a Greek temple, Bamboozle-Man teams up with a Naiad to face an ancient evil that threatens the greek pantheon
Series: Saga of Darkness [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2065254





	Bamboozle-Man's Odyssey

(We open in Greece with Bamboozle-Man in a tourist group, sightseeing in the Temple of Zeus)

Tour guide: Here we are! The Temple of Zeus, the king of the Olympian gods. God of skies, lightning, thunder, hospitality, honor, kinship, and order.

BM: Yeah and screwing everything with a pulse in 500 mile radius.

Tour Guide: Ahem. Sir, we are saving the comments and questions for AFTER the tour.

BM: Oh right sorry.

Tourist: Hey, what story is that statue from? The one with Zeus and that box?

Tour Guide: Oh that is one of my favorite stories. Zeus and Pandora's box. After Zeus made mankind, he created Pandora the first woman. It was her responsibility to safeguard the container of all evil, thusly named Pandora's box. It was to never be opened or else mankind would be exposed to unimaginable darkness.

Tourist: What happened to it?

Tourist Guide: She turned out to be a total bitch and opened the box anyway. There was only one thing left in the box.

BM: What was it?

Tourist Guide: Hope. And some dust bunnies. But mostly hope. Now we will use this extra time we have to explore the temple. Stay close.

(The group split apart and wandered around the temple. Bamboozle-Man made his way to a sacrificial table that had an Omega symbol on it along with a collection of many jars. It was protected by a red velvet rope so that no one could get too close. Of course Bamboozle-Man obeyed the rules of the rope.)

BM: Ahaha. No.

(I really should have seen that coming. Bamboozle-Man disobeyed the rope rules and got closer to the table much to the dismay of the tour guide.)

Tour Guide: No please. Sir. Behind the ropes is where you want to be.

BM: If that were true I would have stayed behind the ropes. Plus it's not like I'm gonna break anything.

(Just then, a fly flew on the table)

BM: Well, this place is contaminated.

(Bamboozle-Man pulled out a remote and pressed a big red button, causing a wrecking ball of unknown origin to fall on the table. The temple was filled with gasps and the clicking of disposable cameras going off to capture the moment.)

Tour Guide: Great Zeus. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE JUST DONE!?

BM: Uhh, begin renovations in this dusty old temple?

(The tour guide waved her hand, rendering the other tourists unconscious. A green mist plumed around her and when it cleared she was revealed to actually be a forest nymph)

Nymph: No. You just desecrated the sacred temple of Zeus!

BM: Jesus! What kind of foundation where you using? I couldn't see any of that green crap on your face.

Nymph: Ugh. That IS my face, idiot. I'm a forest nymph. A forest nymph who was tasked with protecting this temple!

BM: You were protecting it by....charging 15 bucks for a tour?

Nymph: What? I can have business ventures on the side.

BM: Well it's not my fault the table got wrecked, that stupid fly spooked me!

Nymph: It's not the table I'm worried about, it's the jars! Those jars were the only thing keeping him at bay!

BM: Who?

(The sky grew darker as black clouds rolled in. The sound of deafening thunder and lightning filled the air as the temple grew unstable. The bodies of the tourists were whisked away swiftly by a mystical wind, leaving only Bamboozle-Man and the nymph alone in the temple. But they wouldn't be alone for much longer. One massive bolt of lightning crashed through the ceiling and destroyed the wrecking ball)

BM: I take it something bad is about to happen?

Nymph: Yup.

(Out of the smoke from the previous lightning strike lumbered an 8 ft tall man with flowing white hair, a gray short beard, and dark black toga. His eyes were crackling with blue and yellow electricity. So much in fact that the two onlookers tasted copper in their mouths. But that was mainly because Bamboozle-Man uses penny flavored mouthwash)

Zeus: Who dares desecrate my temple!?

Nymph: *swiftly kneels in fear and points to Bamboozle-Man* He did, sire! The strange man in the hat.

BM: Wow. Way to ratt me out, greenie!

Zeus: You! You're hubris has brought down the wrath of the mighty Zeus, say your final words swiftly!

BM: Could you charge my phone? I'm guessing your whole electricity motif must mean something.

Zeus: Fool!

(Zeus lobbed a tremendous bolt of lightning at Bamboozle-Man, knocking him back considerably far. He landed dead on the floor.)

Nymph: A swift, true attack, my lord.

Zeus: Save me the formalities. You failed at your task.

Nymph: B-but he....he tricked me! I don't even know who or what he was! Something like him was never in the training videos!

Zeus: Enough. If you cannot do this simple task, then you will be used for....other goals. Head to the concubine temple in the east.

Nymph: *sighs* Yes my lord.

(As the nymph turned around, Bamboozle-Man was up on his feet, brushing himself off)

BM: Wooh! Talk about electroshock therapy!

(Zeus blinked in great confusion)

Zeus: I'm sorry but....are you alive?

BM: Yeah, I think so. Lemme check.

(Bamboozle-Man plunged his fist into his chest and tore out his still beating heart while somehow keeping his shirt intact.)

BM: Yup, he's still at it. *shoves heart into his hat*

Nymph: Oh my gods.

Zeus: No one's ever survived a hit like that from me before.

Nymph: Not even the titans. What kind of mortal are you?

BM: Well hey he DID charge my phone! Wait what's a mortal?

Zeus: A being subject to death or decay.

BM: Ohhh death. Yeah whatever the weird word you just said, I'm not it.

Nymph: What? But the only immortals here are the gods of Olympus. And he's not a monster, I would have smelled it.

Zeus: Silence, Nymph. Tell me, stranger. Who are you?

BM: Ah I knew you'd ask that. After all the crossover stories I've been written into, I made myself a business card.

(Bamboozle-Man pulls out a red and black business card and flicks it to Zeus. It barely makes it out of his hand. He doesn't know how to throw cards.)

BM: Yeah that seemed cooler in my head.

(Bamboozle-Man quickly ran over to the card, handed it to the god and scurried back to his original position)

Zeus: "Bamboozle-Man, Interdimensional Ragamuffin and an occasional Life Coach." Hmm. Nice font.

BM: Thanks!

Zeus: But that matters not! You have committed a great offense against me, boy. Seeing that I cannot harm you, this nymph here will suffice!

Nymph: My lord, no! I'll do anything!

Zeus: Then perish.

(Zeus prepared to strike down his servant when Bamboozle-Man swooped in, smashing Zeus in the face with a dense rubber mallet)

BM: Now I appreciate a good ol' meme reference as much as the other guy, but hitting a woman of any kind with no intention of defending yourself is what me and the boys like to call.....cringe.

Zeus: You dare!?

BM: I double dog dare!

Nymph: No please, you're making this worse. I can handle this myself.

BM: Hush, green lady I'm handling this for you.

(Bamboozle-Man and Zeus raced towards each other with intent to kill but were soon stopped by an immense light from the sky.)

BM: I swear if something falls out of the sky again I'm tearing it down.

(From the sky floated the great goddess of wisdom, Athena)

Athena: Let this conflict cease!

Zeus: Move aside, niece! This fool needs to be taught a lesson.

BM: The only thing I'm capable of learning is the electric slide and this knowledge bank is filled to the brim! Who even is this lady?

Athena: I am Athena, the goddess of wisdom. There is no use in fighting each other, gentlemen.

Zeus: But I want him to be not alive!

Athena: This man just survived an attack from the god of gods, I'm not 100% sure if you're able to end him. Plus, he may be able to solve our problem.

Nymph: You really think he could?

Zeus: Impossible. He may be unkillable but even he is not enough to face that monster.

BM: Hello, people who talk about other people that are right in front of them like they aren't there. What exactly are you talking about?

Nymph: *sighs* Months ago our temples and other places of worship began to be ransacked by an unknown entity. Fed up with these offenses, our god of war Ares went to face this unseen enemy.

(Whilst Nymph was telling her tale, Bamboozle-Man sat down near Athena and Zeus and pulled out a bag of popcorn. He offered some to Athena and she accepted. Zeus declined, he had brought some Dots instead)

Nymph: He was met with a combatant that matched him blow for blow, something that rarely ever happens. Soon he managed to land a fatal strike, but he found that his enemy's definition of fatal was a bit...different. Much like you, Bamboozle-Man, he wouldn't die. Not through magic, but through something...deeper, primal. He survived through-

BM: Hatred? Rage? Distinct disdain for the weak?

Nymph: Yes! How did you-

BM: Was he a tall man with black hair, red eyes, covered in scars, wearing a weird battle skirt and carrying a metric crap load of weapons?

Athena: I'm assuming you've run into this man before.

BM: Yeah. It's Casket.

Zeus: We've been having our servants and soldiers cut down by a man named...Casket?

BM: Yeah I don't know what my writer was thinking with that one.

(I still think it's a cool name)

BM: Yeah yeah, whatever.

Athena: What else do you know about him?

BM: Oh well like 10,000 years ago he was some big warrior who got off murdering hordes of dudes by himself. His bloodlust got so insatiable that the kingdoms he'd terrorize would commit mass suicides when they learned he was gunning for them. Eventually they got fed up with his bs and got their mages to lock him up in a cursed coffin and buried him like 600 feet into the Earth. They thought burying him alive was enough to kill him but he was kinda too angry to die. Unfortunately some dumbass archeologists dug him up despite some pretty clear ass warnings and now he's up and about killing things. And said killings have brought him and me into conflict on more than one occasion. So all in all I don't know much about the guy.

Zeus: Well your enemy has been giving us trouble for months now. You have to stop him!

Athena: Yes and fast, we believe he's collecting magical artifacts to kill more gods.

BM: And how is that my problem?

Athena: Because if you don't, the entire Greek Pantheon could be wiped out! It would throw the entire universe out of whack.

BM: Weeeell I could. But I'm on vacation so no thanks.

Athena: Wait! There has to be something we can give you so you can help us.

BM: There can't be a thing in this whole wide world that you can offer me. Right now I'm lazier than Lazy Jim on a Saturday. Or any day to be honest.

Nymph: Who's Lazy Jim?

BM: Another nigh unstoppable being way above your pay grade.

Athena: What if we gave you this....gyro.

(Athena pulled out a gyro from her robes. It was the most perfect gyro Bamboozle-Man had laid his clout covered eyes on.)

BM: Mmmmm, gyro. Okay fine! But if I'm gonna fight Casket and stop him permanently, I'm gonna need some artifacts of my own. And obviously know where he might be heading next.

Zeus: Ah my favorite pastime, giving my subordinates weapons of mass destruction. TO OLYMPUS!

(Zeus threw down another mystic bolt of lightning, this time sending the four to Olympus. The home of the gods. They were taken to the main throne room where the greek gods Hermes, Hades, Hephestus, Aphrodite, Poseidon, Apollo, and Artemis awaited)

Zeus: To me, my fellow gods!

Hades: We're all already here, Zeus.

Zeus: Oh.

Aphrodite: Who's our handsome friend?

Athena: This is Bamboozle-Man. He will be taking care of our problem.

Poseidon: You're gonna have to be a tad more specific. If you haven't noticed we're a pretty problematic pantheon.

Athena: The problem that put Ares into a coma.

Artemis: Really? Him? That's who you chose to stop that madman?

Zeus: He is more capable than he seems.

Hermes: How so?

Nymph: He survived a lightning bolt straight to the chest by Zeus.

BM: He seriously needs to consider making phone chargers because that shit worked fast.

Hades: We're trying to get him to make them but he won't budge.

Zeus: I will NOT sell out to those bastards at Apple!

Athena: Focus! Hephestus, can you fashion our heroes some armor for the daunting quest?

Hephestus: You know it!

Nymph: Wait, heroes? As in more than one?

Athena: Yes, you will be accompanying Bamboozle-Man on his journey through Greece. He may be a hero but he's not one we can trust entirely. You will have to keep an eye on him for us. Can you do this?

Nymph: Yes! Of course! Thank you, Athena. The fool will not leave my sight!

BM: Still right here, by the way.

Zeus: Hmph. Still think she'd be a good concubine.

Artemis: Keep it in your pants, Sparky.

Zeus: Fellow gods, while Hephaestus is at work, gift our heros with aid on their journey.

Aphrodite: Oh finally. Here, Nymph. Take this vial.

(Aphrodite handed Nymph a vial of clear liquid)

Nymph: What is it?

Aphrodite: Water from my bathing chamber, it will ensnare the weak minded into doing your bidding out of love, infatuation, and lust.

BM: Ha! Goddess girl bath water.

Poseidon: Speaking of water. Bamboozle-Man, I give you the Horn of the Deep. Blow into it and a monster of great strength will rise from the depths of the sea to aid you in battle.

BM: Does it call Ubereats?

Poseidon: No. Mine does that, though

BM: Aw.

Artemis: Nymph, there will be many dangers on your journey. I gift to you this dagger, it was bathed in the blood of many monsters and is stained with the sins of many. Cut anyone with this and they will go mad in a matter of seconds.

Nymph: This will surely be of great use to me. Wait what happens if I cut a tomato with it?

Artemis: You'll have an insane tomato.

BM: What's the difference between a sane tomato and an insane one?

Hades: Ones a regular tomato and the other one hears voices in its head.

Nymph: How many insane tomatoes have you guys dealt with?

Hermes: Too many.

BM: I have a knife that gives people aids.

Hades: Bamboozle-Man, I can sense many have fallen by your hand. Souls in the Underworld curse your name as they enter my domain with unusual injuries. One man in particular had his head shoved into his own buttox without it ever being detached from his neck.

BM: HAHA! Good ol' Assbrain Adam. His diet must be horrible now.

Hades: In honor of your many contributions to my land, I give you my Soul Gauntlet. A weapon of my own design, it imbues the wearer with the ability to control the souls of the dead. You can fashion them into weapons or legions to fight at your side.

(Hades handed Bamboozle-Man a dark red gauntlet with a jewel on the center of the hand that eerily looked like a red eye. It whispered with the souls trapped within it.)

BM: Oooh, look at this ice on my wrist!

Hermes: Nymph, my sweet child. I gift you with these excellent boots I had made.

Nymph: Do they make me run faster?

Hermes: No, the sandals you're wearing are atrocious and I want to give you something that doesn't make me wanna kill myself. And they just look great on you!

Nymph: Thanks?

Apollo: Greetings, hatted one. To you I give the Kazoo of Khaos.

BM: Ooh more things to put my mouth on!

(Ew)

Apollo: Serenade any battle with this and it will erupt into absolute mayhem.

(Hephestus returned from his workshop, carrying two new pieces of armor. A silver helmet for Nymph and for Bamboozle-Man, a golden shield with a red B on the face of it.)

Hephestus: Here. Theis helmet will protect your head. And this shield will do the same thing the first one does but for your whole body.

BM: I-is that it?

Nymph: Yeah we kinda just got a boat load of magical weapons and stuff.

Hephaestus: There's nothing more magical than concussion prevention.

BM: Yeah he's got a point.

Athena: It is time for you two to set out. Our reports say that Casket is heading for Athens as we speak to collect the Golden Fleece. If he gets his hands on it, he may become too powerful for even you to stop, Bamboozle-Man. Since his last sighting he has amassed an army of monsters as well. Gorgons, cyclops, ogres, the usual.

Nymph: Well this will be pleasant.

Zeus: Farewell heroes, fight true and fight valiantly. For even if you fail you will be remembered for your efforts.

BM: You're buttering us up before we die aren't you?

Zeus: Maybe. Good luck! Y E E T!

(Zeus threw yet another bolt at the duo transporting them to Athens. There the police were facing off against an onslaught of greek monsters like Athena had mentioned before.)

Nymph: Well this is Athens.

BM: Wow. Is it always so....on fire?

Nymph: Depending on what day it is, yeah.

BM: Oh crap look out!

(A centaur crashed onto the street and tossed a truck towards them. Bamboozle-Man raised his Soul Gauntlet into the air and a battalion of spectral spartan warriors materialized and blocked the car with their shields)

Nymph: Woah, spartans!

BM: I was expecting more capes and kicking people down holes but this is fine too.

Spartan warrior: Thank you, commander. And if it makes you feel any better, we do actually kick people down holes like in 300.

BM: Wait they have tv in the Underworld?

Spartan Warrior: Yes. We're currently binge watching Stranger Things on Netflix.

BM: Good show.

Spartan warrior: Indeed. Away, my legion!

(The Spectral Spartans sank into the ground, leaving Bamboozle-Man and Nymph surrounded by a pack of monsters)

Nymph: They chose a pretty good time to leave.

BM: Quick. When I give the signal, we make a run for it.

Nymph: What signal?

(Nymph looked over her shoulder expecting Bamboozle-Man to be there but was instead met by a sack of potatoes with clout goggles and a hat being held up by a stick dug into the ground. She saw Bamboozle-Man running away)

BM: That! That's the signal!

Nymph: Oh crap. Uhhh, is there any version of this where you guys let me go?

Cyclops: No.

Nymph: I thought so.

(Instead of outright killing her on the spot, the monsters took Nymph to the temple in Athens. There Casket awaited her with a special task in mind)

Casket: People say the strong should fear the weak because they have something to prove. That's a lie. The weak should fear the strong because we're the ones who they want to prove something to. So desperate for approval, validation, meaningless efforts in order to make themselves feel superior. That is unnecessary, there is only one superior. And he is me.

Nymph: I'm assuming you're Casket?

Casket: Your assumption is correct, Nymph. Tell me, who else came with you?

Nymph: Bamboozle-Man.

Casket: Oh. I was kind of expecting you to not tell me and I'd have to threaten you with torture or something.

Nymph: I would if it were anybody else but that jackass left me to die!

Casket: Yes, I understand. He too has led me down dark paths before. And soon I will lead him to his death, like a lamb to slaughter! But first, you must decipher this for me.

(Casket brought over a marble slab with ancient greek written all over it. And I mean ANCIENT ancient)

Nymph: My word. Who wrote this?

Casket: A fine question. But one that does not concern your predicament. My question is "what does it say?".

Nymph: I'm...not sure.

Casket: Then my need for your survival has shrunk down immensely. Men!

(The monsters all prepared their weapons and aimed them at Nymph)

Nymph: Wait Wait Wait Wait!! What exactly do you want with the translation?

Casket: Turns out my prize, the Golden Fleece, isn't here in Athens. But this slab was underneath this mural of the Fleece so I'm assuming it will lead me to it's true location. But seeing you can't translate it, your corpse will amuse me until I find it.

(The monsters closed in on Nymph when a loud crash could be heard outside)

Casket: I was wondering when he'd show up.

(Bamboozle-Man's voice rang from outside)

BM: Ooooh doggy! We gotta live with one boys!

(A rowboat crashed through the wall with Bamboozle-Man inside while wearing fisherman gear)

Casket: Ah, Bamboozle-Man. This battle will be glorious but it will be our last.

Nymph: You came to save me!

BM: Oh hey you got captured?

Nymph: Should've seen that coming.

BM: Alright, Casket. I can't have you running around with the world's most expensive wool jacket so hand over the fleece and I'll let you not die, okay?

Nymph: It's not here. But if we want to find it we need that slab!

BM: Oh okay! Yoink!

(Bamboozle-Man tossed out a line from two fishing poles. One grabbing Nymph and the other grabbing the slab out of Casket's hands.)

Casket: You fools!

(Casket grabbed a centaur and used it's horn to impale a ogre in the gut out of anger)

Casket: Seize them!

BM: Okay time to go!

Nymph: Wait!

(Nymph threw down her Goddess Girl Bathwater and it's vapors caused the monsters to stop and gawk at her as she and Bamboozle-Man rowed out of the temple at high speeds)

BM: Nice trick. Ow!

(Nymph punched Bamboozle-Man in the arm)

Nymph: You left me to die, dingus!

BM: What it's not my fault you suck at running away!

Nymph: Some hero you are. That's the second time you've run away today. You took a shot from Zeus and lived! How are you scared of that guy?

BM: Pfft. I'm not scared, I'm just padding for time.

Nymph: Time for what?

BM: It's a bit of a long story but trust me it'll all work out in the end. Can you read the slab?

Nymph: I can only make out a few letters, we need a linguistics expert if we're gonna find that fleece before Casket does.

BM: Don't worry, I know a guy.

(The rowboat transformed into a bronze train and flew the two heros to their next location which was a small house by the countryside, or at least what looked like one)

Nymph: Where are we?

BM: Uhhh, everywhere and nowhere....at the same time. This is a little pocket dimension I made for a friend of mine. She's known for her vast worldly knowledge and extremely accurate premonitions.

Nymph: Oh so she's an oracle?

BM: Yes, she's just also extremely scary and overbearing.

(They walked up to the house and Bamboozle-Man knocked on the door. Soon after, an elderly woman in colorful garb came to the door with a baseball bat)

???: You won't take me alive!! Oh it's you.

BM: Hey, Madame Mystery.

Nymph: This is your source? An old woman with a club?

MM: You aren't that impressive yourself, green bean. Come in, come in, you'll catch cold.

BM: Maddie it's never cold here.

MM: Get in the house, boy.

BM: Yes ma'am.

(They entered the house which was bigger than it seemed. Her house was filled with dozens of nick nacks and the shelves were organized with colorful souvenirs)

Nymph: This place is...amazing

BM: You like? I helped build it. And I know I say this everytime I come here but damn you know how to clean a house.

MM: Yeah and you don't make it easy. Everyday he comes in here with all kinds of weird crap he got from God knows where. Last week he brought in some weird glove with all kinds of rocks in it.

BM: You didn't use it did you?

MM: 'Course not. Makes an excellent paper weight though.

Nymph: *clears throat*

BM: Oh right! Madame Mystery we need your help.

MM: Yeah I know, saw it on the news.

Nymph: You get tv here?

MM: Yup. B-Man hooked me up with a jailbroken Firestick about a month ago. But I also had a premonition about all of this. Gimme the slab. I'll need a minute to translate. You two go to my observatory.

(Bamboozle-Man took Nymph to the Observatory as Madam Mystery translated the slab.)

Nymph: You built her an observatory?

BM: Yeah, being alone in your own slice of the multiverse can be kinda lonely so I gave her as much stuff as I could to keep her busy.

Nymph: Why is she here? I mean how did she end up where she is now?

BM: Oh well when I met Maddie for the first time she was being held captive by a clown obsessed mob boss.

Nymph: What?

BM: Not important. Anyway, she was always a target for villains due to her gift of seeing the future so I got fed up with saving her all the time. That's why I made her this place. Only I have access to it. Barely anybody even knows she's here.

Nymph: Wow.

BM: You sound surprised.

Nymph: I am. I figured you as a help nobody but yourself kinda guy.

BM: I am...sometimes.

(Madame Mystery came bursting into the room with a piece of paper)

MM: I got it! I got it!

BM: What's it say?

MM: Nothing. Well not words anyway. They're coordinates.

Nymph: Lemme see!

BM: Those numbers mean anything to you?

Nymph: Yeah! I know exactly where this is.

MM: I get a feeling wherever it is, we aren't gonna like it.

Nymph: You're right.

BM: Lemme guess, the fleece is somewhere crazy dangerous that will increase our getting murdered chances by like 500% percent?

Nymph: Yup. We're gonna need to go to the Lake of Lerna. The home of the Hydra.

BM: *sighs* I'll get my star spangled shield.

MM: Not that hydra! The dragon.

BM: Ohhhhh. Okay, we should head there quick before Casket figures it out.

Nymph: How? He doesn't have the slab.

BM: Oh trust me. Casket's like Conan the Barbarian if he did the fusion dance with a Terminator and juiced up on whatever swamp steroids Jason Vorhees is on. He'll find a way.

MM: Make sure to wear a jacket!

BM: Ugh. I need to get you some weather apps in here.

(The duo leave on the Bamboozle-Mobile, which is now the form of a ferris wheel with wings on either side of it, and head to the Lake of Lerna)

MM: Bye, sweetie! Be careful!

BM: I make no promises!

(A sandal thrown by Madame Mystery flew through the air and hit Bamboozle-Man right in the face)

BM: Ow!

Nymph: Woah, nice aim.

(A few minutes passed as they exited Madame Mystery's pocket dimension and ended up back in the real world. The silence was accompanied by the wind of the high altitude they were in)

BM: So, tell me about this Hydra we are about to fight. Any weird quirks this thing has that I have to worry about?

Nymph: I'm actually quite glad you asked, the hydra is known for its ability to regrow-

(Nymph was cut off by Bamboozle-Man playing a rather loud video game on his Nintendo Switch.)

BM: Ohoho, you think you can just back air me while I'm at 100%? Think again, you pink piece of shi-

Nymph: AHEM!

BM: Oh right, continue.

Nymph: Hmph. As I was saying, the hydra is especially dangerous because it-

(This time Nymph was interrupted by Bamboozle-Man singing "Since you've been gone by Kelly Clarkson on a small karaoke machine")

BM: 🎶SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GOOOONE! I CAN BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME! I'M MOVING OOOOON, YEAH YEAH! 🎶

Nymph: Seriously?!

BM: Ope, sorry.

Nymph: Ugh! Okay the hydra is known for getting its head chopped off and-

(This time Nymph was interrupted by Bamboozle-Man now loudly welding sheep metal)

Nymph: Oh gods nevermind!

BM: Wait no I'm sorry!

Nymph: No! If you want to learn about the hydra you'll have to do it yourself -WHILE YOU'RE FIGHTING IT!

BM: You know what, I don't even need you to tell me what it is, the writer can do it!

(Nah man you're on your own on this one)

BM: Ah, come on!

(They eventually reach the lake where the Hydra resided but landed a few miles away to keep it from knowing they were there)

BM: Alright, come on.

Nymph: No.

BM: Buhsqueeze me?

Nymph: I'm not going! You're on your own with this one.

BM: Is this pay back for what I did in Athens or because I wouldn't listen to your advice?

Nymph: Yup.

BM: Ah, shoulda seen that coming.

(Nymph kicked him out of the seat they were in and he fell to the bottom, now covered in mud)

BM: How long is it gonna take before you forgive me?

Nymph: *raspberries*

(Nymph then slammed the door, leaving him alone outside)

BM: Well that went well.

(Bamboozle-Man trekked through the forest until he came across the infamous Lake Lerna which was littered with the skeletons and weapons of many fallen warriors)

BM: Wow, I wonder who dumped all their Party City decorations here.

???: Turn baaack!

BM: Who said that?

(The chorus of ghostly voices rang out from the lake)

Ghosts: TUUUUURN BAAAAACK! THE HYDRA IS NEAR, IT SMELLS YOUR FEAR, TURN BACK NOW OR LOSE THE LIFE YOU HOLD DEAR!

BM: And if I don't you'll kick me in the rear! Man, I love rhyming games!

Ghosts: This guys and idiot. We tried, fellas.

BM: Rude. Now where is this Hydra thing?

(Soon, the lake began to bubble as the body of the Hydra rose from the water, with one head peeking out)

BM: That's not so bad, I've fought sea dragons before.

(Then it's eight other heads rose from the water as well)

BM: WHAT IN THE KRISPY KENTUCKY FRIED FU-

(We cut back to Nymph who is balancing the madness dagger on her palm)

Nymph: Hmph. That Bamboozle-Man's ego is about to get checked. That'll show him for not listening to me and leaving me behind.

(Nymph then heard distant shrieks of Bamboozle-Man and the Hydra fighting at the lake)

Nymph: That sounds kinda rough.

BM: OH DEAR GOD THIS IS SO ROUGH!

Nymph: He's got it handled though, I bet.

BM: I DO NOT HAVE IT HANDLED!

Nymph: He should be fine as long as he doesn't cut one of it's heads off.

BM: Ah sweet, a sword! Imma cut this thing's head off!

Nymph: Wait-

BM: And as for good measure, I'll cut all nine of it's heads off-AT THE SAME TIME!

Nymph: WAIT!

BM: Hell yeah! Decapitation! Wait, why is it getting up? And why are it's neck stumps steaming?

Nymph: Oh gods I need to get to him fast!

(Nymph used her forest magic to have the surrounding trees quickly launch her to her friend's location only to find Bamboozle-Man now battling and eighteen headed hydra breathing fire)

BM: AHHHHH!

Nymph: What the hell did you do?!

BM: I cut it's heads off then two grew back, now multiply that by nine and you get the situation I'm in right now!

Nymph: You should have listened to me!

BM: Ya think!?

(The hydra the used one of its head sthe pimp slap Bamboozle-Man deep into the forest, leaving Nymph to fight it alone)

Nymph: I don't think a madness inducing knife is gonna save me from this!

(From the distance, a kazoo could be heard in the forest. The ground began to rumble as the hydra grew visibly uncomfortable.)

Nymph: What the?

(Soon, a mighty stampede of snazzily dressed pimps burst from the trees)

Pimp A: Where's my money, ho?!

(The hydra was overwhelmed by the amount of pimps that were attacking it all at once. It was hit with a barrage of cigarette burns, pimps slaps, and derogatory terms for women)

BM: You pimp slap me!? I pimp slap you!!

(The hydra was soon well overtaken and dragged to the bottom of the like by the pimps)

Nymph: So was that the Kazoo of Khaos or was that all your brand of weird I've come to know you for?

BM: Well I summoned the first pimp, but the kazoo made the army of pimps.

Nymph: Ohhhh. Wait, the fleece!

BM: Oh right! Now that the Hydra's gone, we can look for it!

(Just then a loud crack of thunder could be heard from the sky. Soon the wind picked up and the clouds grew darker)

BM: Is Zeus paying us a little visit?

Nymph: No, this is different. Bamboozle-Man, something in Olympus has gone very very wrong.

(Just then, Casket crashed down in a bolt of lightning, knocking the two heroes back. He was more powerful than he was before. His body crackled with the same godly power as Zeus but more unstable and erratic. And on his back, was the Golden Fleece)

BM: How did you get it before us!?

Nymph: And what did you do to Zeus?

Casket: That old fool is dead, along with the other gods. They were weak, and I was superior. Nature took its course.

Nymph: No. Athena!

Casket: Yes! And with this new power, only a being of titanic strength could match me now! I am a GOD!

(The forest rattled with intense fear as the world began to obey the new status quo)

Nymph: No, this can't be happening!

BM: Now hold on a minute, maybe he'll be a benevolent god.

Casket: I will destroy you all!

BM: Nope, still nuts.

Nymph: Run!

(They ran from Casket who had now grown to an enormous size)

BM: *whistles*

(The Bamboozle-Mobile crashed through the floor, now in the form of a Sandworm from Beetleguese, and swallowed them up. They were then spit back out in a grassy plain somewhere in Greece)

Nymph: *coughing* Oh my gods. He did it, the mad bastard actually did it. The gods are all dead!

BM: Man, I was gonna get Hermes' Pinterest too.

Nymph: How are you so calm? The most dangerous mortal on earth is now a god of unlimited power, you should be freaking out!

BM: Eh, I don't feel like it. Plus I already know he's gonna screw it up.

Nymph: H-how?

BM: Well he already did. I mean you heard him, only a being of Titanic strength can stop him right? That's a weakness if I had ever heard one.

Nymph: Oh my gods you're a genius! We just find a titan and make them fight for us!

BM: But who?

Nymph: There's only one left alive after the Titan War. Atlas.

BM: Okay where is he?

Nymph: That's gonna be a problem. He's in Olympus. Zeus held him prisoner and tasked him with holding up the sky for all eternity.

BM: Woah, that guy was pumping serious iron. Or sky. Iron Sky? 🎶We are proud individuals!🎶

Nymph: Stop it!

BM: Sorry.

Nymph: We need to find a way into Olympus, but it could be teeming with all kinds of monsters and creatures of darkness all on Casket's payroll.

BM: Except instead of paying them money, he's paying them with not having their heads caved in. Don't worry I have a plan.

(We cut to Olympus. It's not as heavenly as it used to be. Mainly because it was ransacked by a horde of monsters but hey who's paying attention to details? The monsters were sitting all around a bonfire)

Cyclops: Man, I'm beat. Who knew overthrowing the gods would be so tiring?

Gorgon: You're telling me, my eyes are sore from turning all those lesser gods into stone.

Minotaur: I'm more concerned about that Casket guy. Who knows what he's gonna do now with all that power?

Cyclops: Who cares? We're finally free to do whatever the hell we want! Hahaha!

Ogre: Wait? Do you hear that?

Gorgon: What is it?

Ogre: It sounds like....John Williams?

(The wall behind the monsters exploded revealing Bamboozle-Man and Nymph riding in on a T-Rex with a tophat with the Jurassic Park theme playing on two loudspeakers duct taped to its sides)

Cyclops: What the-?!

BM: LIFE FINDS A WAY, ASSHOLES!

(The t-rex breathes out a plume of multi-colored flames and distracts the other monsters as Nymph slinks off to the side to get to Atlas' holding cell. Which just so happens to be a room with a ceiling that went on forever and ever.)

Gorgon: You're about to get stoned!

(The gorgon fired a beam meant to turn things into stone at Bamboozle-Man)

BM: Jokes on you! I'm not allowed to do drugs!

(Bamboozle-Man pulled out the shield made for him by Hephestus and deflected the blast back at the gorgon, turning her into solid stone)

Minotaur: You bastard, she finally let me ask her out! AAAAGH!

(The minotaur charged towards the t-rex and was met with a tail to the face, knocking him back 15 feet)

BM: Your chakras aren't even in tune, you'd be terrible for each other!

(Nymph finally arrived at Atlas' chamber.)

Nymph: Oh great.

(She was met with a mighty door with many locks and ancient sigils. Only an expert sorcerer could open the door, or a minotaur being launched at high velocities by a t-rex with a top hat. Oh look, a minotaur being launched at high velocities by a t-rex with a top hat.)

Nymph: AHH!

(The locks fell away and the door opened)

BM: Nyph, look out!

(The ogre ran up on Nymph and violently tackled her)

BM: NO!

(Bamboozle-Man hopped off the t-rex and transmuted the remaining monsters' bones into fiberglass and held up his hat which then released a shockwave shattering their bones in the process. He ran to the ogre which was hunched dover Nymph)

BM: Don't be dead, don't be dead, don't be dead, don't be dead, don't be dead.

(He threw the ogre off of her and found that he had been stabbed by the Dagger of Madness)

Ogre: I see butterflies and they want me to eat my face.

BM: Oh damn.

Nymph: Little help?

BM: Oh right. Are you okay?

Nymph: Yeah I'm fine. Thanks.

BM: Wow, good job stabbing Shrek over there.

Nymph: Well my mom always said I was the sharpest tool in the shed.

BM: Ha! That was-that was really good.

NYmph: Hey uh, before we go and meet one of the most terrifying beings in existence, I wanted to apologize.

BM: For what?

Nymph: Making you fight the hydra alone, and not telling you it grew it's heads back.

BM: Oh it's fine, I've got too much plot armor to actually die anyway.

Nymph: Oh great. Wait did you just say plot armor?

BM: Onto the titan!

(They entered the room which was a grassy field with a massive hill in the distance. They went to the top of the hill and saw an enormous man in a red toga with dark skin, a scraggly beard and scars all around his body. This was the mighty Titan Atlas, war prisoner of the gods and holder of the very sky you reside under. He was also an excellent baker but nobody knew that)

Nymph: Uhhh, hello?

Atlas: Go away, hallucination 942.

Nymph: Oh no, sir. I'm not a hallucination, I'm a forest nymph.

Atlas: Pfft. What would a forest Nymph be doing here? Answer, they wouldn't. Thus meaning you are a hallucination.

BM: We're not hallucinations, dude.

Atlas: Prove it. Say something only a non hallucination would say.

BM: Uhhh, we're not hallucinations?

Atlas: *gasps*

Nymph: Oh my gods, I'm surrounded by idiots.

Atlas: Real people! Kronos' scrotum after all these years.

Nymph: Listen, Atlas. We need you to do something for us. We're on a quest from the gods and-

Atlas: The GODS!? THE IMPUDENT, ARROGANT, WEAK MINDED, CHILDREN THAT TRAPPED ME HERE FOR ALL ETERNITY!?

BM: Yeeeees?

Atlas: Forgive me friends, but I will not assist you. In fact I curse your quest. You hear that Zeus, you sparkle throwing pissant!?! I curse you pawns! Hahahaha!

(The ground shook as Atlas laughed)

Nymph: The gods are dead, Atlas.

Atlas: What?

BM: Yeah, a phycopath by the name of Casket pressed Ctrl+Alt+Del on their life bars.

Atlas: I have no idea what he just said. But are you words true, little one?

Nymph: Unfortunately yes. And now he has the powers of the gods and the Golden Fleece. Only a titan could stop him now.

Atlas: And what makes you think I will fight this Casket for you?

BM: Well you hate the gods, right? Well if you kill the guy that killed the gods, you'd be a slayer of god slayers. Or just a slayer of one singular god slayer. But you'd slay nonetheless.

Atlas: You make a good point. But even if I wanted to help you, if I left my post the sky would fall! We'd be doomed!

BM: I have a friend that can help with that.

(Bamboozle-Man pulled out a bag of cheese puffs and popped it open. Soon a strange noise could be heard behind them as Lazy Jim teleported into the cell.)

Nymph: Who is this?

BM: This is Lazy Jim. Physically the strongest being in the universe. He'll be our substitute Atlas while this one is kicking Casket's ass.

Atlas: Wait, if he's the strongest in the universe why don't you just have him fight Casket?

BM: You like being alive?

Atlas: Yes?

BM: Then Lazy Jim isn't gonna be fighting anyone today. Okay, buddy. You're gonna sit here and do nothing. I don't know for how long, might be eternity.

LJ: *tips down glasses in an "Oh on God" manner*

BM: I knew you'd be excited. Here's some cheesy puffs. Atlas, move over.

(Atlas moved over and let go of the sky, Lazy Jim quickly made his way over to Atlas' previous position. The mechanical arms of the Retro Recliner held up the sky)

Nymph: Wow. That's....impressive?

BM: He's very proud.

Atlas: Finally, after all these years. I'm free! FREE!

BM: That's right, and now we have a bad guy to kill.

Atlas: Take me to this Casket so he may feel the wrath of the Titans!

(Atlas grabbed the two heroes and crashed out of Olympus. They were now free falling from the heavens as the two smaller ones grabbed onto his hair.)

Nymph: Okay so the trees are telling me that Casket is at Mount. Ida

BM: Onward!

Atlas: You bet!

(They landed on the ground in a crash and sprinted to the Mountain. We cut to Casket surrounded by cheering monsters as he shows off his massive powers. He struck a pose and a nearby mountain range exploded)

Casket: Ahahahaha! None shall defeat me!

(A loud thumping could be heard in the distance. Soon the sun was blocked out as the 497 ft. titan Atlas appeared. The mere sight of him scared off half of the monsters in the area while the others stayed due to their strong belief in their new leader)

Casket: Oho? And who might you be?

Atlas: I AM ATLAS, LEADER OF THE TITANS AND KILLER OF GODS! AND SOON I WILL BE ATLAS, KILLER OF GODS AND KILLER OF YOU.

Casket: Yes, finally a worthy opponent.

BM: WHAT!?

(Casket groaned in annoyance as he realized who was with Atlas)

Casket: I see you brought an old friend of mine with you.

BM: DAMN RIGHT HE DID! THE HELL DID YOU MEAN "Finally a worthy opponent"!? What I'm not good enough for you now?!

Casket: I simply meant-

BM: No! The time for talking is over! Come on, Nymph we gotta god fight to watch.

(Bamboozle-Man and Nymh teleported off of Atlas' head and onto a nearby mountain top)

Nymph: I hope this works.

BM: Yeah and I hope Casket's teeth get kicked in.

Nymph: You're really mad about that aren't you?

BM: *sniffs* Yup.

Atlas: Let us begin.

Casket: This battle will be glorious.

(Casket grew to the same size as Atlas. The two beings collided with a resulting force that stripped the trees of their bark and branches and sent the surrounding monsters flying. Casket launched a volley of lightning at Atlas but Atlas side stepped it and threw a haymaker at Casket. He was sent careening into a nearby lake. Atlas rushed over to Casket and grabbed his leg.)

Casket: Not so fast.

(Casket summoned an army of the dead using the power he gained after killing Hades. They crawled up Atlas' legs and attacked him viciously)

Atlas: Agh! Need a little help here!

BM: Ugh. Just when I thought I could kick back and relax. Come on, Nymph. We got some work to do.

Nymph: Uh, how are we gonna fight ghosts?

BM: Easy. More ghosts.

(Bamboozle-Man summoned his own undead army with the gift given to him by Hades. Except this time instead of it being spectral spartans, it was also a series of undead monsters.)

Nymph: How are we gonna get all the way over there?

BM: Uber Yeets.

(In a puff of red smoke and confetti, a massive catapult appeared nearby. They all piled in)

Nymph: Are you sure this is gonna work?

BM: It's so badass it has to work.

Nymph: That's not very reassuring.

(Bamboozle-Man telekinetically pulled the lever and launched them all onto Atlas' arms. He just so happened to be in an arm lock with Casket. They landed roughly on his shoulders)

BM: Alright, boys. It's time to do what most broken Iphone cables don't.

Nymph: What?

BM: CHAAAARGE!

(The ghost armies collided and ectoplasm splashed everywhere. The armies were evenly matched)

BM: They're evenly matched!

(I know, I just said that)

Nymph: Atlas, how are we doing?

Atlas: Judging that I'm fighting a mortal the size of a titan with all the power of the gods whilst ghosts do battle on my arms, not as good as you'd think.

Nymph: We need to clear a path to Casket's face. Any ideas?

(Nymph turned to find Bamboozle-Man in a strange looking car with a ghost in a red circle with a line through it)

BM: There's something strange in my neighborhood and I'm calling myself! AHHHHHH!!!

(Bamboozle-Man drove the Ecto-1 into the horde of ghosts and activated the proton reactor in it's truck. He rolled out as it detonated, dispelling all the ghosts on both sides. The ectoplasm got into Casket's eyes)

Nymph: Seeing the ghosts of your past, Casket?

BM: I am loving this pun energy from you, Nymph. Keep it up.

Casket: Enough! Let's see how you handle this!

(Casket broke out of the arm lock and raised his hands into the air. Soon the ocean crashed into the terrain, summoned by Posideon's stolen powers. The force of it sent Atlas to his back under water, leaving Bamboozle-Man and Nymph floating alone.)

Casket: Looks like your titan friend is down. Now, to end this.

(As Casket began to prepare his final attack, a simple stomp of his foot, Nymph grabbed Bamboozle-Man.)

Nymph: It was an honor questing with you.

BM: It's not over yet!

(Bamboozle-Man pulled out his horn given to him by Posideon and blew into it)

Nymph: What did that do?

BM: Just wait.

Casket: A fruitless effort. I am the god of the seas now. No creature of the sea would challenge me!

(As he spoke, a shadowy figure rose behind Casket)

BM: What if the creature is a god in it's own right?

Nymph: Oh dear, what did you do?

BM: You may want to look behind you.

(Casket looked behind him and finally saw his destroyer. The great old one, Cthulhu.)

Cthulhu: *incomprehensible old ones speak*

BM: Hey, Thuly!

Casket: No. NO! GET AWAY FROM ME!

Nymph: What is that creature?

BM: Cthulhu. One of the old ones. He has a habit of-

(Cthulhu grabbed Casket, shrank him down to regular size, and ate him)

BM: That. He has a habit of doing that. Thank you, Thuly!

Cthulhu: *nods and sank back into the depths*

(Atlas rose up behind them and grabbed them)

Atlas: This day is won! Huzzah!

BM: No it's pronounced Heze. Wait, nevermind.

Nymph: Look! The energies of the gods are being released back into the world!

(As the sea began to recede to its original place, the sky began to dance with lights as the celestial energies of the gods made an aurora borealis type effect in the air. Soon the energies diverged and went back to the earth)

BM: Neat light show but uh, what did that do?

Atlas: The gods will soon be reborn, which means they'll be looking for me. I must leave.

Nymph: They couldn't possibly hate you now, you helped bring them back!

Atlas: Yes. But out of spite and pride. I must disappear.

BM: Hmm. Atlas, how do you feel about pocket dimensions?

(Bamboozle-Man let Atlas stay in the pocket dimension where Madame Mystery was being kept so he can live out his days in peace, leaving him and Nymph alone on the battlefield)

Nymph: Wow. That was really nice of you.

BM: Yeah, Maddie's gonna be pissed I let someone in though. She HATES people. And Atlas is people. Yeah I might regret that later.

Nymph: But wait, if Atlas isn't going to lift the sky anymore, your friend is stuck there forever!

BM: Oh Lazy Jim will just time travel to before he was under that thing and tell another version of himself to sit there forever.

Nymph: Won't that make a paradox?

BM: Nah, he's too lazy to be a paradox.

Nymph: Well no matter what, you did a good deed. You should stick around, I'm sure when the gods come back you'll get a hefty reward.

BM: Nah. I got a whole other pantheon of weirdly powered wackos breathing down my neck already, don't need another one.

Nymph: Well, if this is where we say goodbye then-

(Nymph hugs Bamboozle-Man)

BM: Aw stop. Keep this up and people will start thinking I'm getting a love interest.

Nymph: Would that be such a bad thing?

BM: Yeah actually. My writer is a strict "write what you know" type of guy and he doesn't know much about romance.

(Says who?)

BM: Remember the Jack in the Box incident?

(Ooh yeah, you're right)

Nymph: *sighs* Goodbye, Bamboozle-Man.

BM: See ya, Green bean. Oh and a little advice, maybe find better employers than the gods. Speicfically ones who don't send you on suicide missions with guys in top hats.

Nymph: I'll keep that in mind.

(Nymph waved good-bye as Bamboozle-Man flew away on the Bamboozle-Mobile, which was now in the form of a pegasus)

BM; Oh NOW you give me a pegasus?

(Sorry, I forgot they existed)

(Meanwhile, in Cthulhu's stomach, Casket was hacking away at its insides to no avail)

Casket: Curse you, Bamboozle-Man and your powers of deception!

(Soon the belly of the beast grew silent as time stopped. And out of a shadowy portal stepped Tachyon, the time controlling psychopath)

Tachyon: Hello, Casket. You're looking worse for wear.

Casket: Leave me be, you failed scientist.

Tachyon: Sure. Just after I tell you about a proposition my benefactor and I are cooking up for a certain group of individuals.

Casket: What kind of proposition?

Tachyon: The killing Bamboozle-Man kind.

(THE END)


End file.
